new year same me i’ve just grown a heck of a lot

During this winter break, I’ve been attending church with my parents at this little small Methodist church where the average membership age is around 65 years old. On the Sunday before the new year the pastor was going to talk about looking forward but then he mentioned we must remember to move forward. That’s so important, remember where you came from and what you had to go through to continue to grow forward for this coming new year. 

What I’ve grown from during 2018 and learned:

I can’t be friends with everyone and that is okay. Sometimes you have to rid yourself of toxicity and live the truth of your own life. 

Being willing to learn from mistakes and learning the way to grow from those mistakes. I’m not perfect by anyway shape or form and I make mistakes but I found during this year that it’s ok to make mistakes because it’s an important step in growing. 

When you change your degree plan to something you love, you actually will do pretty well in school. I, embarrassingly, for the first time received the honors of being on the Dean’s List, and I was so excited. I want to do well with my degree because it’s my passion. 

My family and friends are the best people in the world but they might upset me sometimes and that’s ok because no one is perfect. Now if we want to talk about perfection go find my blog about my dog 😉 

I’m thankful for every soul that I’ve met this year. They have helped me to continue to grow and learn amazing lessons along the journey of 2018. 

Now this wouldn’t be a new year blog without some resolutions am I right? 

1. I’m going to continue to write and express myself in some sort of fashion. 
2. That leads into I am going to start posting on my YouTube channel and having fun creating some fun content that I can look back on. 
3. I know this is cliche but I’m going to start clean eating and working out. Have I mentioned I’m going to Disney World in July and want to be healthier than I am now soooo clean eating and working out here I come!
4. I’m not going to let anxiety rule my decisions. I’m going to take chances and live life a little. 
5. I’m going to GRADUATE COLLEGE! Finally right? Yes finally and I’m so excited for what this next chapter holds. 
6. I’m going to dream big and follow through with those dreams!
7. Last one for funsies…I’m going to only use Carrie Bradshaw gifs if you know why then you a real one 😉 aka you follow my twitter.

Thats all folks! Hope your 2019 is amazing and wonderful because you deserve it. 

Catch me on my YouTube channel at https://youtu.be/e5kEaPIx2KI

And come visit me in New York City because hopefully that’s where I end up after I graduate in May! 

let all that you do be done in love

Hi I’m going to paint a scene for you.

So today, the LBK was basically snowed in. It was reported that we got a total of about 9-10 inches of snow and it was beautiful. What wasn’t so beautiful was the fact that my car was (and still is) snowed in and my alleyway is going to be hard as heck to get out of. I of course knowing a good bit in advance of this snow storm still did not find the time to go to the grocery store. I had strictly condiments in my fridge and that was it soooo I walked to the dollar store. It’s only a block so not a huge deal (until I took into account after buying a good amount that I had to carry the bags back to my house.)

Now I went in to buy the necessities but I ran into this mug. It’s technically a soup mug but I will definitely use it for my coffee and hot chocolate. This mug has one of those cliche quotes, “let all that you do be done in love”, and I knew it was perfect. It was cheesy and just the kind of reminder I needed.

Now this blog is not about the mug, even though yes it’s cute and was only $2 but it’s actually my blog of remembrance. I lost someone special in my life and I have bad days and good days. This blog was always made for me to get my words out and use them to cope so that is just what I am going to do.

These past few days after Thanksgiving have been really hard for me. My life lost a light in it. Amanda, our costume shop manager, lost her life too early. She was one of the brightest lights I have ever had the opportunity to be around. She was unique and unapologetically herself. Her laugh and smile were infectious. She did everything out of love.

That is the lesson I will take forever with me. Yes I learned sewing skills (and I’m not very good at said skills) from her but I learned how to love from her as well. As I drink out of this mug, I will probably always think of Amanda, and maybe I will get sad but also I will laugh and be happy because of the memories I have of her.

I hope to always be doing something out of love. If I am not, that is a time for me to sit and reflect on my life and see what I can do to change it. Lately, I have been finding that I have been smiling a lot brighter and that smile is genuine, it is what I am feeling on the inside as well. I am doing what I love and I couldn’t ask for some of the best people to be around for this. I am extremely grateful that I have lots of lights shining around me and they are helping me through this.

I am suppose to be studying for exams or sleeping but I needed to get this blog out there. I am going to now kind of put a charge to myself. Be a light, like I said I want to live a life I love not one I just moderately like. I will do things I love and I will love others even when it might seem impossible. I have mentioned it before but I am actually going to stick with it, I am going to make a youtube channel. I know this might be procrastination talking but I have this urge to do it soooo why not right. I’m rambling at this point but sometimes rambling is good for the soul. Before I sign off, I have a few people to thank for finding the love and light and making this genuine smile possible.

Thank you to my family, I love y’all and don’t know where I would be without y’all.

Thank you to Amanda, because you taught me what it looks like to live in your truth and  passion, to love everyone and everything, and that us big girls do go through some hard things 😉 (If you ever want to hear a funny bathroom story that Amanda and I shared with each other just let me know)

Thank you my friends, those not in the theatre department, y’all support me so well even if you don’t understand my passion. And to my pals that live so far from me, I love our daily texts or funny instagram posts that we share.

Lastly, Thank you to my amazing theatre department/family. Y’all mean more than y’all will probably ever know. I am thankful that I get to spend pretty much every day with y’all.

I love you all and remember to let all you do be done in love,

Kylie 🙂

Ps. If you have youtube video ideas let me know!

Pss. My mug had hot chocolate in it but I didn’t drink it because it was the Abuelita hot chocolate and I didn’t realize I have to use milk (which I dont have) for it.

bet you want to know what is happening in my life

Hey pals! How are y’all doing today? Well if you ask me I could tell you I am sleep deprived, stressed out and ready for a break because right now weekends aren’t cutting it. However, for my blog today I decided to look at some positive things happening in my life and some fun things I’m looking forward to!

1. I directed a short ten minute piece written by one of my favorite person for a play series named Plays on Tap! This is the first thing I have directed outside of directing class and boy am I excited to see what my amazing actor’s have created!

2. School (as stressed as I am) is going so well. I love my classes so much. In one of my classes I am making a shirt which is so so neat!

3. I love my small little backhouse in Tech Terrace. Archer and I are so happy with where we are living and it’s amazing to get to live with just ourselves! I definitely get lonely every once in awhile but that’s what I have great friends for!

4. MY FRIENDS! Wow I am so grateful for them and have no clue what I would do without them. My “squad” is wonderful even when we don’t get to see each other often! The girl’s nights that I get to have with Hannah and Rayven. The constant breakdowns that I over exaggerate to Abby and her willingness to hear me out. My theatre friends that can make me have sore “abs” with just 15 minutes into a conversation. Also thankful for their warming spirits and loving me amazingly.

5. I haven’t seen my family in a hot second but I get to see them super soon. That’s so exciting and I can’t wait.

6. I’M TOURING GRADUATE SCHOOL! On November 1st, Hannah and I will embark to Denton and have a fun girl’s weekend. I get to tour Texas Women’s University’s theatre department and meet some of the faculty and students there. I also get to see my family that weekend as we cheer on Brooklyn’s state gymnastics tournament.

Thanks for reading my list. I’m working on continuing being grateful and joyful. I hope to begin to look at the optimistic side and fighting the darkness my mind wants to see.

with lots of love and joy

Kylie💜

ps. Someone give me the motivation to continue making my YouTube channel.

pss. I need a job so be sending me prayers, good vibes, love, honestly anything that I eventually find one!

materialism can ruin joy

Welcome to part 2 on my quest toward joy and let me just say wow that title is dramatic but honestly it’s the cold hard truth. Sorry it’s been awhile and since I last wrote I have been engulfed by school, I went to the hospital for a back injury and I am now apart of tech week. Even with all my issues/problems, I am still trying to live by my words and live a joyful life.

So back to scheduled programming…materialism can ruin joy…in the amazing book on joy the Dalai Lama touches on materialism. “The problem is that our world and our education remain focused exclusively on external, materialistic values. We are not concerned enough with our inner values. Those who grow up with this kind of education live a materialistic life and eventually the whole society becomes materialistic. But this culture is not sufficient to tackle our human problems. The real problem is here…” He goes on to point that it lies in our heads and heart. “Mind and heart. Materialistic values cannot give us peace of mind. So we really need to focus on our inner values, our true humanity. Only this way can we have peace of mind and more peace in our world.” The Dalai Lama explains how most of our world issues are from our own creation i.e. war and violence. I don’t know about you but I have noticed that communities within the third world country status usually is more joyful than the communities with more economic opportunities. This shows what the Dalai Lama is saying…I feel as if he is saying “hey you get to wake up and get to live and experience life so why should you not have joy.”

How do I stop being materialistic?

Ok so get this, there is a wiki how on how to escape materialism…They give seven simple steps…are you ready? Ok write them down they are:

1. stop making shopping a recreational activity
2. buy used
3. limit television
4. limit web browsing
5. become more environmentally conscious
6. declutter
7. participate in non-material forms of entertainment

Wow great tips,hope you didn’t write them down because I feel like getting away from materialism could be so much easier. These are fairly good tips but what would happen if we just stopped putting so much importance on the stuff we owned or the amount of money we do or don’t have in the bank. Unfortunately the society we live in forces us to put importance on those things but I’m going to make a contract with myself (feel free to make one to) as a sort of promise to not listen to society and living more joyfully.

I, Kylie Zweifel, being of sound mind and body promise to stop focusing on the materialistic views of the world. I promise to base my life on experiences and memories I make. I promise to focus on relationships because I understand that the relationships and friendships I build are central in my experience of joy.

I’m going to probably write this on a sticky note and place it somewhere I will see everyday to remind myself to live in the here and now and don’t let materialism get me down.

Wow that was alot and I hoped you enjoyed this little trip of find true joy! I hope you join me

Joyfully,

Kylie 🙂

joy…how do we find it?

As I am on my way to an amazing family weekend getaway I had to make a detour. My detour, you may ask, was the fact that my car was shaking and I knew something was wrong with the tires. I pull into sonic and call my dad and he gives me the news…I had to turn around and drive the 30 minutes back to Lubbock to get my tire checked out. So I begrudgingly turn around knowing my dad was right and knowing that my car would not make the seven hour trip I had ahead of me. So I went to Discount Tire, learned I needed TWO tires replaced, and this would cost me two hours that I could have been on the road. I packed a book for the weekend and let me tell you said book came in handy. So as I sat waiting, in Discount Tire, waiting for my car to get fixed I was reading The Book of Joy and feeling very little joy.

Because of this book I decided I wanted to embark on learning what true joy meant and find accessible ways for anyone to achieve finding joy.

So please enjoy part one of probably a long series on joy (because this honestly can’t be covered in just one post)

First and foremost…

Joy is not the same as happiness, it is not circumstantial or externally based. I could be very joyful but experience deep sadness or be joyful and be also happy. The Archbishop, Desmond Tutu, said “Discovering more joy does not, I’m sorry to say, save us from the inevitability of hardship and heartbreak. In fact, we may cry more easily, but we will laugh more easily, too. Perhaps we are just more alive. Yet as we discover more joy, we can face suffering in a way that ennobles rather than embitters. We have hardship without becoming hard. We have heartbreak without being broken.” Joy is far greater than happiness.

Joy could be used as a blanket term for multiple emotions

Paul Ekman and Matthieu Ricard have found that these are the common emotions that are associated with joy.

• pleasure (of the five senses)
• amusement (from a chuckle to a belly laugh)
• contentment (a calmer kind of satisfaction)
• excitement (in response to novelty or challenge)
• relief (following upon another emotion, such as fear, anxiety, and even pleasure)
• wonder (before something astonishing and admirable)
• ecstasy or bliss (transporting us outside ourselves)
• exultation (at having accomplished a difficult or daring task)
• radiant pride (when someone you care about earns a special honor)
• unhealthy jubilation or as the Germans say schadenfreude (relishing in someone else’s suffering)
• elevation (having witnessed an act of kindness, generosity, or compassion)
• gratitude (appreciation of a selfless act of which one is the beneficiary)
• rejoicing (in someone else’s happiness, what Buddhists call mudita)
• delight or enchantment (a shining kind of contentment)
• spiritual radiance (serene joy born from deep well-being and benevolence)

This huge list shows the complexity of joy. The interesting thing to realize is that one of the most joyful person is the Dalai Lama, who has endured so much tragedy in his life so how does he consistently stay joyful? “One of my practices come from an ancient Indian teacher…He taught that when you experience some tragic situation, think about it. If there’s no way to overcome the tragedy, then there is no use worrying too much. So I practice that.” What a wonderful lesson. Why sit and dwell on things that have happened but rather grow from experience and stay joyful on the experiences you have in front of you.

I am finishing this post as I sit waiting for a class, school has started, summer is over but I am joyful because I get to have another year of experiencing undergrad!

Up next: Materialism is ruining our joy!

Peace and blessings from a joyful college student

Kylie ❤

a love letter to my dog

I just recently got done talking about my blog with some of my friends. I have a friend who is interested in starting one and I encouraged her and told her to go for it because I love my blog. This is my safe place, my place to be myself. That’s also when I realized I hadn’t posted in awhile but I did not have an idea as to what I wanted to write about. You will eventually get a blog about joy but I’m not quite there to write and share about that topic yet. (I’m experiencing a lot of joy in my life but I want to do more research before diving into it.)

It was not until I was sitting in my bed giving my dog some lovings that I got my idea for my next blog post. I sent a video of my loves I was receiving to my family group message and my mom replied with “He loves you.” So to honor the bond and love we share I wanted this post to be a tribute to my amazing partner in crime, my reason to live, my ultimate best friend. Archer has been in my life for almost 3 years now! It’s crazy how time has flown by and the different times of life that he has seen me live through.

HERE IS A LITTLE BACKSTORY

I hit a huge rough patch my sophomore year of college. I was going through darkness in many parts of my life. My mom, dad, and I all decided that it would be a good idea to bring Belle up to Lubbock to live with me. Belle is literally the most perfect dog and my parents were having problems with Belle and their other dog Lulu fighting so I would get Belle and they would keep Lulu. I kept pestering and pestering my parents for the time frame of when Belle would be coming to Lubbock to live with me and that is when they broke the news, Lulu got hit by a car, she passed away and they were devastated. My parents could not lose two pups and as much as they knew I wanted Belle to come live with me they just could not do it. (Which I totally understood, yes I was bummed but honestly I was surprised they were going to let me have Belle in the first place.)

THE SEARCH WAS ON…

My roommates all knew how excited I was about getting Belle and we were all devastated that she would no longer be coming to live with us. I am pretty sure it was my roommate Klaire who first told me about Dusty Puddles Dachshund Rescue and I am a sucker for weiner dogs so I had to go look at what they had to offer. I went on my search and took along my roommate Emily and her boyfriend and we went to find me my perfect puppy. We played with three dogs and since I got to have my pick I looked at a long haired puppy, a bigger male dog, and a bigger female dog. With the history of Belle not really liking other female dogs, the female dog was cut out of the competition because I didn’t want Belle to get upset. (SIDE NOTE: YOU ARE PROBABLY THINKING BELLE IS AGGRESSIVE SHE ACTUALLY ISN’T AND WE WERE PRETTY SURE IT WAS LULU WHO WAS THE AGGRESSOR.) The bigger male dog was like a solid 30 pound dachshund and was not interested in me at all so that was a huge no. The puppy was precious and adorable but I said no puppies before we had even pulled up because I am a college student and not looking to train a puppy and did not have the time for that.

So by this point, you are probably thinking “ok Kylie so you took three dogs out to play with but like didn’t leave with one but clearly Archer is a dauschund sooooo” Wow glad you noticed that. As we were heading out and I was feeling so defeated because I did not find the one, we walked through the kennels one more time and there he was…BOSS. He was perfect. He was licking through the kennel and giving the most precious puppy eyes. I asked to hold him and the moment he was in my arms he started giving me the sweetest kisses I had ever received. That was it. He was the one. I found my baby. The lady looked on in astonishment because this dog was standoffish, he was not very sociable, and did not really show affection like this. She uttered the words “He just chose you, you had no say in this adoption, he is yours.” She was right I didn’t choose him, he chose me. I called my mom crying and telling her all about this perfect dog and how I had to have him. My parents agreed and I got Archer on October 30, 2015.

HIS NEW NAME

So in the rescue his name was Boss, yes he is the boss in my household but that name just did not quite capture his spirit. At the time, I was obsessed with the cartoon Archer and I just knew I had to name him something from that show. I toyed with the names Sterling, Cyril, Krieger, but Archer was the one. He was the main character in my life so it was only fitting.

HE’LL PROBABLY NEVER REALIZED HE SAVED ME…

You know the cliche of hearing “my dog saved my life” well Archer and I are that cliche. He is my baby. He is the reason I wake up in the morning or even the reason I get out of bed. He understands my emotions and can either pick my emotions up or he knows when to just lay by my side and let me cry it out. He gives the most amazing cuddles and kisses. He has the best personality and loves me unconditionally. I’ll forever be grateful that God placed Archer in my life and that we are getting to enjoy this adventure together.

Thank you Archer for always being by my side and never judging my rollercoaster of emotions. You are my baby, my world. I’m blessed by your spirit and your love.

your dog mom, Kylie (a college student who’s just really obsessed and loves her dog)

 

i’m a strong independent woman but i lowkey want a man

So on the eve on one of my best friend’s wedding (shoutout to Brii Brooks almost Kellum) I got to thinking about weddings and relationships and the singleness that I have found myself in for years now. Sometimes yes my heart aches. It aches for that love that you see in all of the romcoms. It aches to have that one person I’m destined to spend the rest of my life with. I want that missing puzzle piece of my heart to finally click in place. I want that once in a lifetime love you always hear about! The soulmate, the one. I want that best friendship I see between my sister, Shannon, and my brother-in-law, Ben. Sometimes I yearn for it…and maybe it’s the depression that makes me feel isolated and think that I’m alone even though duh Kylie you are not!! But do I really want that? Do I need it? I have always dreamed of the white wedding, the bridesmaids I would have by my side (I have a list on my phone), the honeymoon we would take afterwards to a beautiful romantic place (don’t have that picked out figured it could be his choice). I have a Pinterest board ready for my wedding all I would have to do is show my wedding planner and bam it’s done.

Side note: if any dudes are reading this yes most women have their weddings planned out on Pinterest and no it’s not weird. But a word of advice just nod your head, agree with what far fetched idea she got off the site and go along with it.

But I have that perfect white wedding and I even have that perfect man pictured in my mind. But what if I never get that? Wow heart wrenching right? But what if’s are my fave past time.

It’s going to be ok because I have my life to live. I will be sad yes but the loneliness I know won’t last because I have found my soul mates in some beautiful friendships.

I am not saying I’m content in singleness forever but for once in my life I am content in singleness right now because the life I’m getting to live is pretty darn great. So instead of being an independent woman who don’t need no man, I’m an independent woman who wants a man but doesn’t necessarily need one…not yet anyways 😉

love y’all

ps: who wants to start taking bets that I cry at Brii and Alex’s wedding tomorrow…I cried when she showed me her dress soooooo take that into consideration.

word vomit

Hey it’s been awhile…how are y’all doing? If not so good well I’m glad we are on the same boat traveling to an island of uncertainty…maybe we’ll run into the people stuck on Gilligan’s Island.

So I figured I’d write a blog post to update everyone (all 3 of you) about my life. I’m going to break this into 3 parts to maybe help you follow my mind a lot easier. Sorry it’s a little long, reasons I called it word vomit, but bare with me.

MENTAL HEALTH

Wow y’all have I had some ups and downs throughout these past months. My anxiety has kicked up a lot and I struggle so much as I think about the future and having to deal with change. I have had a lot of better days than bad and that is a huge blessing! I’ve gotten to do what I love this summer and I am working with some of the cutest kiddos ever! I returned to my home in Waco, Texas (no I don’t see Chip and Jojo everyday) and I have been fortunate enough to work for my theatre family at the Waco Children’s Theatre. They are the reason for my good days. I’ve spent 15 years with them and I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. They are my people, they understand me, they are who I lean on in some of my hardest times. We’ve been putting up 2 shows in 3 weeks and it’s been so stressful so said stressfullness brings anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t like to just stay away but I really wished it did. Instead I wake up, think it’s going to be a good day and anxiety knocks on the door, barges in, and sits on your favorite spot of the couch. I sat crying in my car today because I just feel like everything was just pressing down on top of me but I just breathe and keep reminding myself of why I am doing this and who it’s all for. PLOT TWIST IT’S NOT FOR ME BUT IT’S FOR THE KIDS! Johnny Joe (obviously a fake name but ya know confidently),8 years old, walked up to me and said, “Ms. Kylie I am so blessed to have you as a teacher!” GUYS HE TOLD ME HE WAS BLESSED TO HAVE ME AS ONE OF HIS TEACHERS! He probably didn’t even realize how much that meant to me but that is why I am doing this. It’s those little lives I am making an impact on everyday (even if it is just one kid). As I was feeling the weight coming down onto me, the love these children show me just lifts it all up off my shoulders.

SPIRITUAL HEALTH

With busyness comes lack of sight and realizing the lack of spiritual relationships. I’ve been struggling trying to find time for my quiet times and trying to do it without just making it into a check mark off my to do list. I yearn for my relationship to continue to grow but it’s hard but I continue to strive and try my hardest. It’s also hard because I’m not in community currently and y’all know how much importance I put into community. I miss my bible study girls and being able to learn, grow, and lean on them! It hurts to also see a world of so much hate and hurt that I’ve been currently seeing! It’s been hard but ya know Jesus never said it was easy!

SCHOOL

Alright here’s the fun one because I know mostly everyone is really curious about this. I’m still on track to graduate from Texas Tech (wreck em) in May 2019 with my Bachelor of Arts in Theatre Arts and a minor in English. Woohoo yay it’s so close buttttt you may be wondering “well what’s next after that?” Well Sally Sue I’m glad you asked…I HAVE NO CLUE! Hahaha going to go have a mental break down give me one second…..alright I’m back! Anyways yes I have no clue what I’m doing after graduation. I am wanting to go get my Masters degree but in what? Part of me (and this is the irrational part) wants to find an amazing acting program to hone in on my craft and live as a professional actor. Do I care about the money? No but the thought of getting to do what I love everyday sounds pretty dang great! Part of me wants to find a wonderful masters program in education. Part of me really wants to pursue a masters in directing and then there is a part of me (and this is a major piece of me) that would really love to get into the University of Texas’s masters program focusing on Youth and Community Theatre. With that last one I would love to have so I can create youth theatre programs in lower economic communities! Children are our future and we need to nurture them into the best humans they can be and that can be done through the arts.

I love y’all so much and thanks for reading my word vomit!

“my life sucks” I promise this gets happier…

I have honestly found that there is a staggering number of people who are struggling with those evil words, depression and anxiety, and I am one of those people. I don’t know if it’s whether it is because we have become more willing to talk about it or maybe it’s seriously this fallen world we are living in. Whatever the case, I’m just going to say it…DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY SUCKS! And I am not just talking about like “oh this kind of blows” no no no I am talking about the earth is quaking, the world is burning and I am going to get swallowed up into the flames kind of suck.

Depression and anxiety are great for feeling like no one is there for you. It is amazing at making you feel alone in a crowded room (Dark Blue- Jack’s Mannequin anyone?) It is awesome for making you believe that your friends aren’t your friends…that they don’t really care about you. It’s great for when you said one slightly flirty thing and the guy is no longer talking to you and you believe it’s all your fault. It’s great for feeling like you will never be loved because honestly you don’t feel the love and constantly have horrible negative thoughts about yourself. It’s wonderful at not making you willing to “shoot your shot.” It’s great for not being willing to open up about anything or being too willing to open up about things. It’s the best when you make death jokes and then you realize “oh yeah people do not think like that” and now people are staring at me like I am crazy. It is absolutely wonderful for my sleep schedule (and yes I have tried melatonin and no it does not work…unfortunately).

So in my sleepless night I decided to write this blog. I wanted to be open, vulnerable, but also give some of the ways I get past my depression and anxiety spells.

1. God

What can I say besides that getting in the Word is my biggest biggest defender. The truths I pour into my life by reading the Word negates the negatives that my brain tells me.

2. Therapy

Wow does this help! I am a huge advocate for going to therapy. I get nervous every time I go, and I get drained so quickly when I am there but the advice and wisdom my therapist helps me gain is incomparable.  I can see light in my dark tunnel as she helps me think rationally.

3. Medicine

This one might not be for everyone but it has helped me so much with clearing my brain and thinking rationally. I want you to know that I originally thought it was an easy way out but now I’m kicking myself for not doing it sooner.

4. Music

Music will always have a special place in my heart. It’s beautiful how one song can have about 50 different meanings within about 3 minutes. It is amazing the gift of music can give and the feelings that can be brought about by music! Want a good cry, listen to music, feel like dancing around the room, listen to music. Road trips would be nothing without music and I could not imagine having to listen to my brain a whole car ride from Lubbock to anywhere.

5. FRIENDS and FAMILY

Wow is it so easy to shut people OUT! When I’m in my pit I quickly shut people out. I constantly will say that I am deleting all forms of communication and social media so that way then I can’t bring anyone down and I can go crawl into my pit a little lower. I get snapped out of that quickly…sometimes unwillingly but I get out of that thought. I get reminded that my support system is mine and that they are here for me through the mess and the beauty. And I gladly inform them that they are stuck with me.

But honestly, as much as I absolutely hate my mind and wish I did not have depression and anxiety, I still do not hate God for it. I thank God daily for it because I have hope in Him and Him alone. I have hope that those who struggle with depression, anxiety, or any other illness that this fallen world has brought upon, that God has His hands on us. I keep my hope in the fact that Jesus died on the cross for us, for the fallen, dirty people of this world. He died on the cross, carrying every weight on His shoulders FOR US!

My prayer is that if you are reading this and you are struggling with depression and/or anxiety, that you know you are not alone. I will gladly be the first on your support system because together we can fight this!

Love y’all!!!!

our biggest frenemy

Imagine this:

You decide to get dressed up, do your make up, fix your hair, and absolutely kill the game. You look hot, you feel confident and nothing can dampen your mood. That is until you show “that friend”. That friend tells you every flaw. “You can see your zits and blackheads, your hair is out of place, are you sure you want to wear that…you can see your curves in a bad way.”

What about this scenario (dudes you can most likely get in on this one): “That friend” always is telling you that you are super annoying. “That friend” tells you that your friends don’t really like you. “That friend” constantly is using your emotions or feelings against you. “That friend” makes you feel isolated and out of the loop.

If I had a friend like this, man oh man would that friend be dropped really quick. That friend would not be known as my friend any longer. But think about this what if “that friend” is actually yourself. “That friend” is your negative thoughts you constantly think about yourself. You are your biggest critic. You are your own worst enemy. You are your own frenemy.

Where do we get these negative thoughts? They definitely, 100%, do not come from Jesus. Jesus has truths for us to know and those negative thoughts are not from Jesus. We must get rid of the negative and find the JOY in Jesus. Push out the negative and make way for the truth Jesus is speaking.

Here are some truths to know and take to heart:

1. Jesus is speaking, you just have to be willing to listen.

“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.” John 10: 27-28

2. You are a beautiful creation that was hand crafted by God.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s wound.I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139: 13-14

3.  We are not called to judge others or yourself based on anyone’s outward appearance.

“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” 1 Samuel 16: 7

4. Always remember God is with you even when the negative thoughts are taking up the majority of your thoughts.

“fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41: 10

Friends, I ask that you remember these truths and that you allow your ears to open to Jesus speaking to you. Because when we push out the negative frenemy of our thoughts we get to experience the JOY of Jesus.